Why Can’t I Find A Decent Man?
Author: Elaine Bothwell
Want to know why you can’t find a decent man?
This must be the most popular question ever asked by women who are single or in dead end relationship, and of course the answer why you can’t find a decent man is wide and varied, but I will give you some pointers.
To find a decent man you first need to know precisely what it is you want. You’d be surprised at how may women want a ‘decent man’ but haven’t figured out what a decent man would actually be like. What they do know however is that what they have, is not what they want, and that they want someone different from who they have at the moment.
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This isn’t enough really, first describe what a decent man looks like to you, and if that’s a bit challenging, if I were to ask you how you would know you had a decent man, what would you say? This is your first part of knowing what you want.
Then you need to put yourself in the place of where the decent men hang out. As I’ve said in other posts, that if you go to bars and clubs, the men there aren’t necessarily looking for their Mrs Right, they want fun and frolics and not necessarily to come back with their potential wife- so find other less obvious places to hang out- like a night school course for instance.
How old are you? And how old do you want your intended decent man to be?
The reason I say this is because age for women dictates when they will be ready to settle down and it is different to that of men. For instance, it is rare to get a guy who is in his early 20’s to be up to settling down any time soon. Which leads me onto another thing
His maturity. If he is in his 20’s and sometimes even in his 30’s he may not be mature enough to have the kind of full on relationship you want with him. So you need to look at that aspect.
Your standards.
You may have impossibly high standards, which makes it difficult for any man to live up to, or you may have low standards and this attracts the kind of guy who will take advantage of you. The only way around this is to try tweaking what you expect and see what you get back.
Something that is an issue for all of us is our self image.
If your self image is that you don’t believe you will be treated like a queen by your man, then you will have boundaries to reflect that. It’s sad but true that how you are treated tells you just as much about him as it says about you. For instance if you know of any woman who has found her decent man, look at her mindset, her self image and you will see that it is different from yours.
You may of course be veering on the desperate stage and of course this is a total turn off for most guys and gals for that matter, so have a look and see if you so need and want a man so much that you are sending out desperation signals. Get your best friend to tell you the truth here.
And lastly, do you believe there are decent men out there? Or do you believe that they are few and far between? What you believe will significantly impact your results here and who you end up with because you will experience what you believe. So if all you see are jerks, guys who waste your time then that’s all you will see.
I’m not saying that if you suddenly started seeing that last guy who cheated on you as a saint he will miraculously transform into one, but what it will help you see is that in fact that there are lots of decent guys out there but you first have to be in a place to see them.
So give your man beliefs and upgrade and tell me what you think.
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Hi Elaine,
I’ve really enjoyed your site; your videos are insightful and really friendly
Here’s my situation: I’m an attractive, in my mid-20’s female. I’m intelligent, career-oriented, sociable and fun to be around. So my question is, “Where is he?” I’ve only had 1 brief(dead-end)relationship that left me really disillusioned. I’ve dealt with those emotions and am ready for the relationship I know I deserve. I’ve visualised him, put myself out there, am myself around men, but I still haven’t met him. However, I’m worried that I’ll be single forever and I feel a lot of pressure to settle down from my family (and all my friends are in relationships).
Any advice? Thanks!
x
Hi Natalie
Lovely to hear from you- To answer your question.
Being 20 something you are young- but I know what it’s like when everyone is in a relationship. That being said from your brief descriptions this is my observation.
Now please take this the right way, but if you are under any outside pressure to find your Mr Right, you may be projecting desperation. This is a total turn off for most guys except possibly the wrong ones.
If you have only had one semi serious relationship, then you are not yet ready to meet him, you really need to know who you are first and what YOU WANT, or you’ll settle for a guy just to be in a relationship with him.
If you are ready to settle down as apposed to having a few relationships first, then again you will be projecting this- and men of your age aren’t typically looking to settle down yet. ( older guys in their 30’s are much more ready to settle down- 20 somethings are still maturing and thinking about fun and short term relationships with women)
Let me ask you these questions
Are you able to be friends with men? If you are then you will be able to have a friendship first which is vital to keep Mr Right
Are you sure you’re being your true self? From the video you watched
What are your expectations? Do you think you should be in a relationship and be serious already? Again this will put guys off plus stop you being your true self.
In the video, I talk at length about being confident and comfortable self, are you able to project this?
Obviously without talking to you my answers can only be brief and general.
Though I hoped these helped- let me know if they did or not.
Elaine
DOES ANYONE ELSE NOT AGREE? AGREE? Leave your comments below- maybe we can give Natalie the benefit of your experience.
Hi Elaine. Thanks so much for your reply!
you highlighted some interesting points that I hadn’t considered before. When you wrote that I may be projecting desperation I began to realise that while I’m not desperate (in the sense of I have good standards/morals and don’t do ‘desperate’ things to attract ment) I am most likely giving off some type of desperate aura in either the way I act or the things I say. And yes, I feel loads of pressure (mainly from my mum who keeps reminding me I’m the last single girl around) and those feelings arise like insecurities. I am very well put together and generally confident but I have no doubt that I now need to relax a bit and focus on projecting healthy and happy feelings. So thank you for bringing this issue to light 